The Other Side of Darkness

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It is July and time for my Mom & My birthdays. This month is also the anniversary month of my father’s suicide. I started to write last night on a book I want to publish about loosing him and how it effected me. I thought I would share what I wrote with you. For those of you who are fighting depression please don’t give up! For those of us who have lost a loved one to it… you are not alone.

The Other Side of Darkness
By: Deedra Mosley (Copyright 2017)

Daddies never die, they live forever…

When you’re young you believe lies and swallow them down like bubble gum that’s still sweet. The world turns slowly and burns around you. You are everything and nothing at all. You catch fireflies in a jar and turn them loose a moment later just to see the lights in the darkness.

In the backwoods of the mountains of Eastern Kentucky the breeze blows the trees and time seems irrelevant. You are young sitting on a propane tank looking past the sea of green trees. You dream of the world far beyond those trees and long to run away.
No one ever tells you that once you leave you can never come back, because time marches you beyond the sweet bliss of that youthful longing to a place you can’t escape.

You grow up and grow old and those fanciful dreams become today’s burning memories. Those longings feel so bitter sweet because as reality hits the lies of youth wilts away.
Here I am today looking back at the girl I used to be. I was the one on the propane tank living dangerously swinging my legs tapping my heels on a powder keg. I was the star eyed dreamer trying to part the lush green trees and peep into the beyond. I was the one who clung to the lies. Home can be came back to and daddies never die.

I was thirteen when the breeze was so sweet. The years went so slow and suddenly I became sweet sixteen. Time mocked me and I counted every moment till eighteen. I said I would go find the world beyond those trees and come right back.

Eighteen and I counted the minutes till senior year. I had my dress picked out for prom and was desperate to drive but terrified of it too. I still believed those lies from my time sitting on the propane tank in our yard. Singing along with a mixed tape and pretending to be miles away and that coming home was a real thing. Daddies never die. Home is always there. What is fear and why should I have it?

I wish I didn’t know.

Tears of Sorrow

July 24th 2017

It has been 21 years since my father took his life. I was 18 years old at the time and it came as a real shock to us all. There was so much going on in my life with my entering my last year of highschool and looking at college. I hadn’t seen the warning signs of it coming.

Sometimes we are guilty of getting caught up in our own lives and we fail to look beyond our to do lists and tomorrows dreams. Today I want to remind you to stop once in a while and really look at the people you love. Look at their faces and talk to them. There is nothing blissful about being unaware!

Sorrow is deep and so is depression. We can’t brush aside feelings of depression anymore. Those moments of darkness shouldn’t be taken lightly. Too many people have been lost to that darkness for us to turn a blind eye to it still. When someone says they are depressed pay attention and take time to validate their life. The time you take to just love on them and the effort of trying to help will be well spent! It is too late to do it when they are gone.

If you are fighting the darkness of depression today I want you to know you are not alone! There are many who face the same battles everyday. You are also loved and needed! Don’t believe the lie that your life isn’t of value. There are people who you need you and care for you. Sometimes we just can’t see that clearly when the darkness hangs over us.

My heart and my prayers are for those who are fighting depression today. As I look back and remember my father and the loss of him I also look forward to what I can do to help others who are hurting today. While it is too late to change the outcome of my father’s life it isn’t too late to change it for someone else. If you have lost a loved one to suicide I invite you to share your heartbreak with me. Share your personal grief and help let others who are thinking of suicide know that it is not the answer. Help me reach out to them today. Leave in the comments what you wish you could say to the person you lost.

What I wish I could tell my father is simple: I love you and I will always need you to be in my life! I can’t tell him that now because he ended his life, but I can let all the fathers who are thinking of suicide hear it. Any parent who is considering suicide I would say to you this: You are loved and your child will always need you to be in their lives! Not a moment will pass me by that I will not wish I could share those moments with my father. Every moment of joy is bittersweet and every moment of sorrow is twice as hard.

Deedra Mosley 

Burning wildfire 

So it has begun… 

The end of one month and the start of another. Here we are in what I call Mommy Hades time of month. When you are unsure if you are trying to finish strong or start strong. The time between ending and beginning can be hard on us moms. 

It feels like a burning wildfire all around you. Stress is your old friend come to visit. What’s a mom to do?  Loose your mind,  loose your cool,  and loose yourself too.  Those things happen in this time of monthly transition. 

How to not become the feral mother beast. 

Take a time out from staring at that budget and appointment list.  Walk away for a few hours and just leave it!  My biggest mistake is spending too much time focused on my schedule and budget all at once.  Break it up into segments! Give yourself time to calm down between planning and bill prep. 

When you break down what needs your attention it is easier to calmly focus on each part of your monthly responsibilities. I start with balancing my checkbook. Knowing that I have done that makes writing bills out easier. After a break I do all my bills. I have everything ready and organized. Once that is over I do a budget and make lists of needed items to buy for the month. Take a few hours break from it all then give yourself time to look over what you have finished. Check your calendar and get an idea of what your month will look like. Sometimes you travel more than others. Make yourself a list for any up coming trips. 

Stress kills! 

Take the stress out of your month by planning for what’s to come. A good daily planner can save a ton of headaches! Don’t fall into the trap if being too rushed to write down your appointment time or event dates and times. Having a clear idea of the month and what you need to accomplish really does help lower your stress levels!  

A stressed out mom isn’t fun to be or be around!  If you feel like you’re ready to loose your cool it’s time to change your routine!  Don’t continue doing what’s not working. Take time to find an organization system you can feel confident using daily.  Trust me, it makes life much easier and you’ll be a lot happier too! 

From one stressed out mom to another. It’s OK to be a mess sometimes. Just don’t give up on yourself!  

~ Deedra Mosley

What’s love got to do with it? 

Love Game

I was asked recently to help someone who was looking for a mate. I wasn’t shocked to be asked to help screen a possible love interest and it wasn’t the first time either.  It has got me thinking about how messed up our view of love really is.  

So many times  we hear people say they don’t really love each other but their relationship is one that’s simply good for them both.  Or we hear people say they have lost their feelings of love for each other. Sometimes we even hear someone say they are still in love with someone who tossed them aside.  

What is love anyway? 

Love isn’t an emotion nor is it something you can loose.  Love is a choice and comes with responsibility to ensure the emotional, physical, and spiritual care of another.  Before you jump into a relationship remember it is meant to have mutual respect and care not a one sided emotional rollercoaster ride!  

Emotions come and go, but our choices are meant to last. Love comes at a price.  The cost is your selfish pride! Don’t take it lightly and don’t forget that it takes two daily choosing to be faithful to each other to make it work.  

when love isn’t enough… 

Love that is based on selfish need and a selfish desire to simply have someone in your life or for physical pleasure only will not last.  You can’t build a relationship without a team effort. You also can’t be a team if you rely on emotion only to make you close.  

Empty love is when you have needs,  desire, and emotion but no real dedication. You must choose fidelity and loyalty daily. Even when emotions are not what you think they should be! 

I’m divorced and suffering from a failed marriage. I learned a lot from this experience. You can’t be Jesus and save or redeem your spouse!  Sometimes we have such poor understanding of what we are agreeing too that in the end we fail miserably.  

Life lessons from a broken heart. 

I want to share what I’ve learned from my own failure with you. I’ve learned that it is easy to be deceived by others,  and to be too fast to jump into something you think is love when emotions alone rule your life!  

There is more to love than emotions and before you commit to loving someone else make sure that even when you don’t feel anything at all emotion wise you can still say I commit to being faithful to this person.  Don’t use someone for your selfish gain and don’t let them use you for their gain.  Mutual respect and responsibility is a must!  

Love is not sex, sexual, emotional, physical, or any of those worldly things. Love is sacrifice, dedication, loyalty, mutual respect, responsibility, and a daily choice.  If you aren’t willing to be a team and work together then you are not in love.  The best couples look for ways to resolve conflicts and commit to their relationship 100%.  Remember that before you jump into a romantic relationship. Romance can be created but fidelity is a commitment chosen daily!  

Praying for all those who struggle with loneliness and longing.  May God heal your brokenness and help you find the right kind of love.  

~ Deedra 

Salutations From The Lady of the Closet! 

Yes,  that is the inside of my over stuffed closet.  We have it filled up with so many things that sometimes I’m afraid it might bust!  

Hoard much? 

We just can’t seem to let go of anything we have stuffed inside! Three of us ladies fighting for space in the closet of doom. Stuff falling as we dig to find what we need.  

Clothing, books, crafting supplies and more fill up the space. We have it stacked,  hanged,  and tossed in there.  Every inch is like a dragon’s hoard.  Filled up with stuff we love,  think we love, and can’t seem to let go of. 

A heart of clutter. 

Just like the closet of doom our hearts can also become cluttered!  We forget to make room for those who are in our lives right now.  It doesn’t mean we toss out the old loves,  just reorganize them.  

You can’t focus on the people in your life right now while clinging to those who are gone. Sometimes we have to box up those left over emotions and store them away to be able to fill our space with new loves.  

It is OK to miss those you have lost.  It is not OK to be wrapped up in the missing. Letting memories hold your heart hostage causes you to stop living.  

Praying you can make room in your heart for those new people in your life.  Loving isn’t easy,  so I pray God softens your heart for you.  

~ Deedra 

Call Me Maybe

Sometimes we wonder what’s wrong with us.

I saw a question this week that made me pause.  Someone asked if we should feel ashamed for being emotional?  Should we be hard on ourselves for being a mess?  In my opinion no.  

Sometimes people make us feel like we should be sorry for being emotional or struggling with depression and anxiety. We really shouldn’t feel bad about it.  Everyone has moments of weakness!

Beautiful mess.

We sometimes forget that we are all beautiful messes!  There is no such thing as a perfect person. (Aside from Jesus Christ ). Each one of us have struggles.  That person telling you to stop being a mess is a mess too!  Just because they seem to be more together than you doesn’t make that true!  

We tend to be hard on others and most times we can’t even tell them what we are feeling.  We get tired,  hungry, sick and weak. We shut down and babble as well as crash and burn at this thing called life.  Stress does kill we know.  

Looking at me… 

It is hard when you are disabled to live with the things you can’t do.  I am forced to admit on a daily basis I need more help than I want!  

My Disability is physical but it takes its toll on me mentally too.  Those things I can’t do make me feel worthless sometimes!  That list of restrictions seems to rule me at times.  

No matter if your disability is physical or mental or both we all have that list of weaknesses that we have to deal with daily.  There is always a mountain we can’t climb.  

We have to find a way to focus on the mountains we can climb instead! This doesn’t mean we won’t fall apart on a daily basis.  It just means we are committed to facing the struggle!  

Climb the mountain and slide down the other side. 

How do we climb those mountains?  I’m clueless.  For me it is by the grace of God.  What does that look like?  Me being a mess and stumbling through life day by day finding I’ve gotten somewhere I didn’t know I could find.  

I’m the first to say don’t follow me!  I’m always lost,  a mess,  and either early or late. I think that is true for all of us,  but I admit sometimes I think it is just me.  

So if you’re feeling like you’re the only one who is a mess, remember I’m a mess too!  Sometimes we are so broken we can’t call on each other for help.  That’s when we need to call on God.  So call me maybe… Call God definitely!  

~ Deedra 

The sound of silence 

Sometimes we are alone. 

Someone once said to me that we will never find ourselves truly alone because there are too many people all around us for that.  That’s something to think of in and of itself.  

While we may be surrounded by those people at the same time we are very much alone. Inside our own minds. We all have a voice only we and God can hear. 

That alone feeling is not something we can escape.  Everyone can hear themselves thinking. Inside our heads we have our thoughts and feelings swirling about. The hardest part is giving someone else a glimpse of the inner you.  

Have you ever stood in a quiet place and listened to the silence? Why is it we find it peaceful when we are in a silent place but if we are surrounded by people the silence of their attention to us is frightening?  

Why do we equate that type of silence with the absence of love?

The feeling of being unwanted has gripped many of us.  We stand in the silence of the crowed feeling lost,  alone,  and unwanted.  We are crying inside for someone to love us, but when we look there are faces around us but none can hear the inner cry.  

We end up standing still in a sea of human silence slowly bleeding to death inside from an inner wound we can’t touch.  

Can you break through that silence? 

Try making eye contact and smiling. Look for the eyes that reflect the same inner struggle.  Know that all those around you are crying in their own silence.  You’re not the only one struggling to be heard.  

Praying for you to over come the sound of silence.  To find the one person who can hear your inner cry.  

~ Deedra Mosley