Chop Shop

Okay I have been doing research and a lot of thinking. It is time to talk about self mutilation. I never thought of myself as a supporter of self harming before. I mean, who would actually encourage people to hurt themselves right?
First off we need to understand what self harming behavior is. Simply put it is engaging in any behavior that causes harm to the physical body. If your skin or bones etc are hurt from an activity then you self harm.
Now I know I’m about to become very controversial and unpopular here. Try to keep an open mind please.
I have thought about some socially acceptable practices that can be labeled self harming and might even fall under self mutilation. Here are the ones I have came up with. I will start with the ones most of you probably expect.
1. Piercings… (My ears are pierced just so you know.)
2. Tattoos
3. Tanning (not just in booths but all forms)(I’m guilty)
4. Hair dying (those chemicals are evil… I’ve done this a lot)
5. Perms and straightening (chemical evil… I’ve done both and gotten I’ll from it)
6. Tight clothing (guilty … I have had bras actually cut into me and make me bleed)
7. Smoking/Alcohol/Drug use.  Self medication… Refused medical care (Guilty … I’ve been bad to use over the counter meds incorrectly…. Shouldn’t have waited to see the doctor for the right care…. :\ )
8. Diet and nutritional care… (Yup, I’m not healthy… Hurt my body with food)
9. Sex (if you bleed, or have medical procedures for purposes of sexual acts being performed then you self harm or mutilation…. Or inflict wounds, bruises… Oh you get it…)
10. Porn , sex industry, weight lifting, body building …. Now if you don’t do these but buy items supporting them… Yup you support self harming…. At this point I bet you are confused.
Are you shocked? Are you confused… Wait I’m not done.
11. Movies and music… Don’t forget modeling too….
Want me to explain what self harming is again…? Stop and think about how not only you abuse your body but how you ask others to abuse theirs. I’m not saying you or I are going to hell for these things. I’m not suggesting you boycott anything either.
I want us to think about what we are doing to ourselves. I want us to realize the why behind our self harming ways.
Let me address the last thing on this list… 12. Sex change or sexual person hood surgical manipulation. Self cutting…self burning…. Self hate.
You don’t need to change your body to be loved or to be beautiful. So why are we doing it? Why do we do any of these things? Is it because we want to? Or maybe it is because we feel the need to control ourselves and to be in fashion … To belong to the media lime light? Are we buying into the things of this world because we have a deeper need? The need to belong?
I can’t convince myself that we should promote self hate.
Ah, someone might ask about number 13. Well it doesn’t exist … It can’t be real… It doesn’t hurt the person and the …. Oh, I’m sorry …
What have they done to our bodies? What are they doing to the body inside us? Why do we self harm and self mutilate? Why do we just except these things as being OK?
I can’t answer that…
Well I can say SIN but it is like number 13… No one has a clear view of it. It is a choice. It is personal. No one likes being condemned for it. Everyone wants it… Wait… Does everyone want it?
Just think about it. Just think!
Do you self harm? Do you support self harming and self mutilation? Why do we do these things? Why do we glorify them? How do we stop?

Confessions from Dirty Momma

I have been talking to several people about the things I’ve gone through. Often we think of people as always so nice, always so kind and always so good. I tend to tell my triumphant momma moments but pass over the not so glorious ones.
Oh I get things done! I’m a successful mother in that my children have survived the most trying years and are thriving! Don’t get me wrong, I do feel successful in the motherhood department! It is that sometimes I have a less than perfect approach to getting the needed results!
I’m human and make mistakes!
Let us revisit the idea of how we perceive a person. Often we look at the surface and say to ourselves what good people we see. We then are shocked when good people go bad. Especially when we see Christians who fall from grace.
So what is grace anyway and how does one fall from it?
I want to explain the blood of Christ in a new way to you. It works like a laundry stain remover does! You have to except you need it. Obtain it from the maker. Read the instructions to understand it. Apply it liberally and let it do the work. Then you rub it into the fibers and encourage them to let go of the stain! Throw in the washer then dry and enjoy your stain free garment!
The blood is strong and will remove all stains … But we have to make our stained souls want to let go of sin! It is required that we use God’s word on our lives and keep ourselves in fellowship with other believers! God is not going to show up on your door step every Sunday and drive you to church! It is up to you to get up and get yourself there.
So what about falling from grace?
You didn’t fall anywhere but failed to properly apply what God has given you! The blood of Christ! It is strong stuff but if you refuse to so your part in submitting yourself to the cleaning power of it then you can’t blame the blood for your lack of outward change! There are no good people! We are all owners of sinful souls! Our inner garment is stained!
So next time you are tempted to judge someone based on the thought of them being so good and unable to be very bad remember that we all have a sin nature and are stained by it! Remember to that in order for the blood of Christ Jesus to work on that stain of sin you have to properly apply it!
Grace is what is given to us by Christ Jesus through his shed blood. Mercy is the gift of grace which we don’t deserve!
Mercy and grace bring forgiveness and change!
Next time you do laundry think about how God is washing you just like you are your outer garments! Take time to soak in the stain remover!

Clothed in Loneliness

Sometimes in life we find ourselves at a place where we feel alone. We can feel cut off from the world and adrift in life. It happens to the best of us. It happens to the worst of us. It just happens.
After spending the past several years alone doing the single mother deal I’ve faced my share of loneliness. Nothing hurts like it once did, but that feeling of being alone and the insecurity that comes with it has settled in.
Depression is fed by that feeling of loneliness. It is a demon that feasts on one’s insecurities. You can often find yourself on a downward spiral from just being lonely. Maybe it is because loneliness is emptiness and with emptiness comes the need to be filled.
I have found that it is paramount to my well being to attend church and Bible study. Being with others has helped me battle the loneliness and win. It is a daily battle mind you. It doesn’t let up.
Sometimes social media is a good thing too. I have several wonderful friends and family members who are always just a message away. I make use of them often.
Nothing can replace the need for a Godly man to call husband and have be here day to day. That heartbreaking ache is not filled but made more tolerable by those who support me. Having a wonderful circle of friends and family does help me get through this stage of life.
So for all those who are single parents or are faced with loneliness I dedicate this post to you!
Don’t let the loneliness feed your depression. Reach out to those around you and take heart. This stage in your life is not forever. The time will come when you look back on it and see that you are stronger than that feeling of solitude. You are not as alone as your feelings would have you believe.
Take time today to reflect on those who love and support you. Make a list of people you can spend time with when you start feeling isolated and alone. Don’t let the feeling of loneliness over whelm you! You can overcome!
May God bless you and give you strength to face your struggles.

Bouncing between gods

In a world where people church hop and believe all roads lead to heaven is there anything sacred left?
I find myself thinking about this often. I would love to offer real comfort and to pray heartily for those around me, but when they confuse my faith with the  world’s ideals or attack me for being at odds with the current norms it is difficult to pray as I should. I find myself wondering if God will answer me or if my pleas get forwarded to the dead gods of those around me.
Is this world cutting us off from the living God?
This is a sad place to be when you want to offer hope to others who are struggling with depression just as you do. Sometimes we feel isolated by our beliefs and values. We can be tempted to conform to the current norms around us.
The problem with conformation to worldly norms is it changes from day to day!
God never changes so conformation to his norms has fixed results!
The world would sell you on religion and religious beliefs which are a dime a dozen.
God is about relationship. He wants you to know him and he wants to know you!
You don’t need a new church or to embrace the newest religious fad. If you want an answer from God you need a real relationship with him! I can’t give you that you must develop it for yourself.
Take time today to examine your heart and really take a look at the love of God. He loves you and wants to know you! Don’t get trapped under a blanket of confusion with the road ever changing!
There is but one road to God! One road to Heaven, but many roads to Hell!
Praying to the living God for you today! May you know him!

Fake Smiles

I read a post today that claimed we can change our lives by changing our thoughts. I couldn’t help but catch myself about to utter my father’s favorite retort… Bull ****. It almost escaped my mouth and I was ashamed of that but nonetheless it was a valid response.
Let me tell you why I feel we should not promote such ideals. First off it encourages those fighting depression to keep their pain inside thus cutting them off from the help they urgently need. Secondly it causes us to wear fake smiles and pretend that life is roses.
Life is hard and we all have something we struggle with. If we stop shaming those who speak out honestly about their issues then we can start giving help to them.
Too many times people act like I’m a complainer. Guess what… I have simply decided I need to stop lying to make you feel better. No more fake smiles!
I am going to tell you I feel like crap but smile when I do it. Not a fake smile but one of unburdened relief. I can share my pain. I can then listen as you share yours.
We can’t change our lives by thinking different but we can change our lives by living different. It takes actually getting up and changing from a fake half living person into a real reaches out for help person to make your life better. Fake it till you make it sales crap is Bull. Fake is dead people. You need real help. You can’t get that from behind a fake smile!
Let’s get something straight anyone who would encourage you to behave in ways that cut you off from help and isolate you from those who you need to keep you on a path to good mental health are not your friends and you shouldn’t allow them control in your life.
On another note we can’t fight this alone either. If you trap yourself behind a fake smile you won’t get help because no one will know you need it!
May your smiles be real and help always near!


It has been some time since I wrote anything on here about depression. I thought I would take some time to reflect on it tonight. I find myself thinking about Robin Williams tonight. How is it that we can be smiling on the outside and the life of the party yet inside another story all together? I’m guilty of putting on a show myself. I always loved Robin Williams and it breaks my heart at the loss of his life. Having lost my father to suicide and having battles with depression of my own I feel keenly a sympathy for all involved. There is no shame in needing help fighting against depression. The greatest fight at times is with feelings of being a bother to others. It is often those feelings which cut us off from the help we need.  I want to encourage you to reach out and get the help you need. Don’t let those lies hold you hostage behind a false smile. May God grant you the strength to fight this battle. Many blessings to you and may you live a life full of true happiness!

For Shame

Okay I admit that I am busy shamelessly promoting my writings. I have not been much on blogging of late. I feel a bit red faced as I sit here typing away. It has been so long since I posted anything that I am sure all of you who read my blog feel abandoned! I assure you I have not forgotten you! Okay it was a bit of a lie. I had forgotten all about my blogs. It happens in life that from time to time we shift focus to something new and shiny. Well, social media is my shiny. I have been plugging away on every site I have except my two blogs.

If you are wondering where you can find me. Here are the links to my distractions! LOL

I am also running a Go Fund Me event to raise money for my writing. So if I forget my blogs again please forgive me. Also feel free to hunt me down and remind me that there are two wonderful blogs waiting for me to get typing on!

Now I am off to the bus stop to get my daughter!

I’m a busy bee!

Confessions of a Facebook Drama Queen

Hello my name is Drama and I am your Queen.

We have all been there posted that. You know what I am talking about. That one posts that about 1/3 to 1/2 of your Facebook junkie buddies cry out… That was SOOOOO about ME! When you are like how do I even know … oh wait yeah I know that freak on my Facebook. They are the one who never talks to me in person and never comes to any of my parties and I hide from in Wal-Mart. Okay, I am purposely being ugly just because it is obvious that most people read even kindly typed words in a way that make them feel just as those I just wrote would make you feel if someone said them to your face or posted it random on their wall perhaps even tagging you in it.

It seems we have hit the cyber world running and now we are all on equal ground competing for the titles of Drama King and Drama Queen. We end up sucked into a fake world of pitiful arguments and false joys. Can Facebook make you depressed? I actually think it can. Can it show you the real person behind the fake smile you see once in a blue moon? Oh trust me yes it can.

Now let’s be honest and fess up. How many of us have at least one person banned and blocked from our Facebook? How many of us have unfriended someone and been unfriended by someone? How many of us have been blasted by a really ugly private message or sent one ourselves? Here is the sad thing about Facebook drama. It can actually destroy how you love those in your life. It makes it so easy to be impersonal and to walk out of your families lives. Once you start unfriending in the fake online world it can actually make cutting people out of your real world life just as easy.

Are we massacring our ability to be compassionate?  Have we aloud ourselves to become unloving, cold, and dispassionate? What can we do about the hurt we have caused and the pain we have suffered from this lack of personal respect? Is there a way to heal those who have been crucified by the social media scene?

I look to God to heal all wounds, but do we need to first except our part in this erosion of compassion? I think we need to take ownership of our love of drama and desire to be a virtual cyber god or goddess. We need to admit we have become god of our lives and repent of it! Especially those of us who call ourselves Christians. We need to be in the boat working together to bring in the nets full of fish… not jumping in amongst them!

Now I am not saying you shouldn’t unfriend or block people who are malicious or keep them in your life. All I am saying is that before you start cutting people from your life you need to ask yourself why am I doing this? Is it because God is the God of my life or is it because I am the god of my life? Who am I really trying to please?

We have but one life to live. We have but one moment to love. Don’t let either pass you by!

May God heal our selfish broken hearts and teach us to love with a greater compassion! Amen.

Be A Joyful Giver

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We finished our outreach bags yesterday and will be delivering them soon. Depression can rob us of our joy and steel our desires from us. Sometimes what we need desperately is to focus on something bigger than ourselves. We need a mission to undertake.

I admit I have been feeling a bit depressed and a lot lethargic. So I am glad to have thrown myself into this years outreach project. It helped me to get moving and to focus beyond my own self. Thinking of those who are at the homeless shelter and how they are struggling has put my own struggles into perspective.

If you are in the midst of fighting feelings of depression I want to encourage you to get active in outreach projects local to you! Know that you don’t have to stay hidden inside day after day battling those feelings alone. You can make a change in your life by helping others! When you do outreach you have a feeling of being needed and you see what even small efforts can do. The impact on the lives of others you make will in turn change how you feel about yourself!

I also want to challenge you to take time to see the beauty in yourself. I recently did a challenge on Face Book in which I picked five photos I felt beautiful in. Look through your photos and pick five that make you feel beautiful. Look for the beauty you have and stop saying negative things to yourself and about yourself. Change how you see yourself! Start today! Look in the mirror and smile at yourself! There is something about smiling that makes us instantly feel better.

Remember that you are loved by God and that many people in your life both love and need you! There are strangers you have yet to meet who’s lives you are meant to change! Don’t give up on yourself and don’t let the depression win!

Here are the five photos I posted for the challenge:

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Blazing Winds

Some People are full of hot air. We all know at least one person who could talk the leg off a dead horse and then beat them with it. In life you meet all kinds of people and some of them are very hard to love. Those who are full of hot air are by far the hardest ones. They tend to spend more time talking and less time listening. They are floating on self importance and flying high on self worth. It can be draining as well as depressing spending time with them.

I find that many times my self view comes under attack from such people. It seems that the more important money is to the person who is full of hot air the less value they have for life itself. It can be tempting to put importance on money and devalue human life. We are all tempted to bow to the all powerful dollar and worship what many believe makes the world go round. I found myself wanting to scream and shout that God makes the world go round not money and our lives should be lived for him not the mighty dollar!

I have come to this understanding after much reflection. If a person has set their mind and formed their existence around money you can not change them. They are so blind that only a miracle from God could change them! You must focus on yourself instead and strengthen your own world view by plunging into the Bible and clinging to God’s promises. You must define your worth by his grace and measure your value by his love. Nothing else will give you the strength to continue.

You must remember that you are worth more than a number value on paper. It is sad and some what disturbing to think that people walk through life feeling that the amount of money and possessions they have are their value. They can’t see that true self worth comes from being someone who serves others and by doing so becomes greatly loved by others. Love is by far a greater thing to measure ones self worth by! Often we fall into a pit of black despair from the lack of financial success because we fail to see the truth about value. While we need to pay our bills just the act of doing so doesn’t mean we are loved. Money can not replace human affection and contact in our lives. Money can not make us have value. If you die with a million dollars to your name and die alone without one single human companion to mourn your passing then you are worthless. You see money or the lack of money doesn’t define who we are. Love of others and interaction with people in our lives define our worth!

I want to encourage you today to embrace your life. Measure your worth by the amount of love you have to give others and the amount of love they return to you. Resist being a number on a page and be the best part of what is written… be the story itself that is written on the page not the page number!

May God bless you and bring you to a place where you can stand strong knowing you are worth more than gold!     

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